here and now…ramblings.

Tore out our walls. Added a few new ones. Moved everything out. Now we rebuild. Re-imagine. Wonder how our life will look like in this new/old home. It feels expensive. But we’re doing most of the work ourself. We will live in it unfinished. And wait.

Body waits. And waits. The move made it impossible to take care of the high demands my body needs. Lots of rest. Low stress. High quality food all home made. Nothing processed. So I pump the probio’s and wait till I can cook again and detox.

Winter is here now to stay for a while. The kids are inside more and the noise levels are up. My adrenals feel taxed but getting outside is work. Nothing grows in the winter. So I feel less inclination to go out. Nothing to gather except cold air and sun rays. I guess I’m a gatherer who needs something to hold.

School is coming again. Such a long break for us this Christmas. It was so good. Creativity and inspiration were unfolding. Magic potions. Writing letters. Playing a lot. Learning all the time. It’s so hard to go back. I know she’ll be ok. I just know there is so much for her yet that she has yet to discover about herself. Being the creative that she is. Forests. Forts. Animals. Art. Dissection. Discovery. Time. This is what I want to offer my kids. Plenty of time. But I can’t.

Friends are moving back after many years away. Just said goodbye to my family and more family here are moving away for good. While the earth is settling in for winter, all around me is unsettled. Need to stay grounded, rooted.

Even in the midst of all this I’m looking forward and expectant.

To friends, old and new gathering around the table to eat together.

To walks on the crisp crunchy white.

To black skies and twinkling lights.

To writing and music making and being ok, not more.

To letting go of shoulds and embracing love.

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